Sweet Misery

I am miserable. I am currently sitting in my kitchen, one that I have always found comfort in since the age of two, and cannot shake this feeling of loneliness and low-grade despair.  It’s another quiet Ramadan night here in Bahrain, and I am still in my gym clothes after a great class at Crossfit Delmon. The workout buzz I was riding has all but disappeared, and the determination not to eat the leftover candy from the night before quickly faded as the evil sugary voices finally won me over with short-lived promises of happiness. The same battle, different night.  I try and try to avoid eating junk since I know that it has ZERO benefits, not to mention my self-esteem takes the majority of the beating when I don’t see results from killing myself at the gym, or when I put on a pair of jeans and just feel like a  big fat whale with a muffin top. Why do I continuously do this to myself? I eat sugar, feel a brief high, and then come crashing and burning down back to earth with nothing but a sickening feeling of failure and way too much sugar. I know what I’m doing when I put the candy in my mouth, but it is as if my common sense is put on hold as the sweet pieces of chocolate melt upon my tongue and send feel-good signals to my brain, only telling it MORE MORE MORE! The candy I hold in my fingers has no nutritional value what soever, and only brings me sadness and fat, and so, I decided to write a blog during my post-sugar crash and tell you exactly what I am feeling. Thirsty, bloated, depressed and extremely frustrated. It’s Ramadan and my last chance to eat or have water is in an hour and a half, so being  thirsty sucks. After pushing myself at Crossfit and feeling weak from two days of eating terribly, I promised myself that I would not succumb to any sort of temptation with regards to poor food choices, yet here I am, surrounded by the empty wrappers of candy, chocolate and a spoon I used as a vessel for peanut butter (one of my biggest weaknesses), and all I can say to you is that I am disgusted with myself. If I want to see results I have to stop these late night binges, and I also need to be patient and more forgiving with myself. So here I am, confessing to you, whoever you are, that I am hoping to break this addiction and be strong, however I am battling artificial foes that have been chemically engineered to stimulate parts of the brain that dopamine does.  Sugar, you’re a terrible influence and bring me nothing but regret and sadness, if food was a one night stand, I’d be walking out of your apartment right now with my head hung low and my dignity destroyed. I aspire to be a healthier and more confident woman, and I know that one of my biggest obstacles is going to be my sugar rehabilitation, and that time and patience will be my only allies during this uphill sugar-laced struggle.

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