How do you know which road to take when you do not have a destination? I have been pondering this since the beginning of my journey. Since completing my undergraduate in 2010 I have felt the looming specter of doubt follow me around during every endeavor, even into my dreams. I tried quieting its endless whispers of fear with graduate school and it worked for some time, yet as of late the ghoul has returned. Now that I am done with my masters I am back on that road and I have never felt more vulnerable to life. Not only do I not have any idea what I want to do, but I do not even know where I want to go. Bahrain is home and so is Austin, Texas. I feel both places tugging at my heart and I fear that it will soon rip in two. The agonizing battle of being biracial has reached the apex of pain which is simply exacerbated the sore of unknown desires.
Do I go home back to the Middle East where a part of me will never feel welcomed? Or do I remain in Austin where the other half feels an eternal yearning for the life I left behind eight years ago. What about my career? People keep asking, “well what is it you would like to do?” My answer is always the same, a shoulder shrug and a forced smile to mask my despair. I do not know what life has in store for me down the road, but for now I suppose the trick is to dabble and try, even if I fail. Although I do not want to disappoint anyone during my living experiment, I cannot discover the missing element without the process of elimination.
There is a Saudi American girl who grew up in Bahrain searching for an answer to herself out there. Will she eventually find the answer to what it is she was meant to do? Here is hoping.