Bottoms up

It had a metallic sweetness to it that made my stomach churn with nausea, and as I sipped on the noxious cocktail all I could think was, I still have 16 ounces of this stuff to finis!  It is day three of my pre colonoscopy and endoscopy prep and so far, this is the most unpleasant part of it.  Tomorrow is the day I will have a small tube-like mechanism with a camera on the end of it poke around to take an in-depth look through my body in order to discover just what the hell is going on with my digestive system.

Two days ago I started my ‘low fiber’ diet, which is primarily food with zero nutritional value and loads of sugar. Hey any excuse for sugar is the diet for me! But seriously, it wasn’t all bad and list included some of my favorite things like pretzels, saltines, pancakes and and peanut butter. The only real food I have eaten these past fews days are melon, ripened bananas, which I discover I love putting on saltines (weird I know), and eggs that came from happy cage-free country chickens I promise. Saturday I stuck to my diet like a good little patient and had pancakes with peanut butter, how dedicated am I?  It is these delectable memories that I carry with me through this final leg of the purging race.A race, that is exactly what it feels like right now, running back and forth from my bed to the bathroom and keeping myself entertained in between each dash with Netflix.

Before having to forcefully drink the clear 16 oz. liquid prescription that basically incinerates your insides and simulates a watered-down version of ebola (too soon?), I was ‘hangry’ and strung out on sorbet all day.   You see, on the third day of prep you begin your ‘clear liquid diet’ and sorbet was the closest thing to solid food permitted on this fabulous liquified menu. After the impending clock stuck five today, I had to take my first of two doses of a bowel prep kit and after finishing one this evening I am not sure if I am going to have the courage to polish off another one tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM.

Oddly enough what really scares me about this procedure isn’t the constant race back and forth or the putrid brew, but it is the idea of the anesthesia. I have yet to be put under since I have fortunately never had to have surgery, and for some odd reason, I do not like the idea of not being in control of my consciousness.  I am the commander of this crazy ship and having a stranger being the master of my awareness is just something I cannot get comfortable with.  Many have tried to soothe my apprehension and have told me this is the most painless part, it is just like falling asleep.  This should be easy shouldn’t it? Then why am I nervous? Most people would complain that the bowel prep is the hardest part, however for me the test will come tomorrow as I give the helm of dreams away to another and pray they sail my ship through calm waters.

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A spoonful of acceptance

Acceptance is a powerful tool, one which I have been playing with all week.  Its a malleable things that can fit and be molded to any problem or hardship plaguing your daily life.  This may seem like a watered down cliche but I promise you, it is the greatest medicine there is.  Accepting what is first came along while I was exploring the soothing world of HeadSpace, one of the greatest apps in my opinion. It is meditation for the modern man.  At first I did not understand what the calming voice of Andy Puddicombe, who for ten minutes, talks you down from the ledge of life’s angsts with useful tips of accepting all of the ghosts of adulthood we are haunted by in order to allay and comfromt the difficulties we feel.

In several of the videos that accompany the ten minute sessions, the modern meditator is told to accept and acknowledge the referred pain of what the body is feeling thanks to the crippling thoughts of the mind. We are all guilty of ignoring even the tiniest complaints of the body due to our busy lives and tendency to discount our well-being.  Accept that feeling of anxiety the body is feeling.  Accept that overwhelming sadness that has been dwelling in your heart. Unfortunately we have found many ways to avoid acceptance through several avenues and facets such as social media, alcohol and my all time favorite, food.

As stated in earlier accounts I have written, when it comes to hiding and finding a safe comfortable space where I pretend like nothing can touch me, food is the warm cushiony place I flee to. It welcomes me with open arms and I graciously accept its momentary medicine and deposit of dopamine I so desperately need when I am either stressed, saddened or angry. But of course that will eventually wear off and I am left feeling even worse and bloated.

The other day I had an enlightening discussion with my sister who I have come to revere and deeply respect.  No matter what the circumstance, she is always there to offer a guiding hand and in my darkest hour she has been my guiding light home.  I told her of my chocolate shame last Saturday and how happy it made me feel.  She then stated that whenever she has spoken with a woman of her most enjoyable time it usually includes sweatpants, a couch and jar of peanut-butter.  Personally, that is when I am most at peace, in that small pocket of time when nothing matters and my tastebuds are bathing themselves in waves and waves of chocolate peanut-butter swirls. I have never experienced this nourishing nirvana during a salad.

My sister raised an interesting point, if we constantly deprive ourselves from that time of peanut-butter paradise, or berate ourselves for succumbing to our cravings will our body even absorb the nutrients of that salad? Or will we reject its nourishment and mindfully prevent it from being ingested when faced by a wall of self-hate and negativity. 66841dde6f83c62d85de1b299b4_-post So why not accept the momentous times spent on the couch with your best friend as you both gorge yourself on whatever meal you both usually consider to be taboo. By excepting this form of nourishment, the nourishment of happiness and communion, we can then accept other wholesome things into our body and soul.

Accept what you are feeling, do not hide from it.  We continuously play this toxic game of hide and seek with ourselves and our emotions hoping never to be found. Eventually however, that anguish stops counting to one-hundred and comes looking for us. Rest assured, it always finds you.

Welcome to day 7

As I rolled over in bed this morning, slowly waking up to the harsh reality of the day streaming into my room along with the sunshine, my stomach began to ache with guilt and gluten. Today is day 7 of my Nourishing Cleanse and I feel hung over. But this hangover is not from the remnants of a glass of wine or a stiff drink, its from the bag of dark chocolate covered almonds,coconut ice cream and gluten free pretzels.

Yesterday was day 6 and I knew it was going to be my most challenging. Why you may ask? Well because it fell upon a Saturday, a day when I usually allow myself to enjoy the simple pleasures and flavors of life and avoid any sort of adult responsibilities,such as GRE homework or emails. It is the day when I can completely run away from my problems.

Day 6 started out strong.  I woke up, did some body tapping and walked into the kitchen to prepare my bone broth and veggies.  As I heated my soup, arms crossed in frustration, all I could imagine was sugar. Sugar, my one weakness, sugar my one true hate and lovIMG_468723308e.  Sugar, the sweet rug woven of chocolatey threads and peanut butter patterns where I sweep all of my troubles and torments underneath.  I tried to remind myself that sugar and snacking was where I hid from my problems and pressures like a kid underneath a blanket, and that is what I was trying to break free from.  However with this ten day cleanse I have been left like an exposed nerve, raw and naked to my demons with nowhere to hide. And like any terrified cornered animal, I lashed out in fear.

Yesterday was a day that beckoned for a couch, Netflix, snacks and my best friend who shares my affinity and appetite for sugar. No, I thought to myself, I must push these delicious and comforting images out of my mind and persevere.  It was a cold and dreary day outside and winter had officially announced itself.  The Austin sky was blanketed in a parade of gray clouds that resembled shades of silver cotton candy (mmm sugar) and upon this scrumptious canvas, I saw the sprinkling of temptation on the horizon.

As the day passed, my strength and will-power waned as it washed away by the cold rain.  To escape the chilling weather, my friend and I went into a little cafe on South Congress and ordered a hot chocolate and12122899_10103496508131630_6007383513195763696_n copy a decaf Americano. Yes, decaf, I had been barred from caffeine as part of my healing and while I wasn’t sure if decaf coffee was even permitted on this cleanse, I did not even care at this point.  Sitting with our hot drinks on the porch swing of the little charming cafe, steam swirling in the grey light of day, I had had enough!  I wanted sugar goddammit! I was like one of those ants infected by parasitic fungus that takes complete control over its host and completely manipulates its behavior. I gladly succumbed to my sweet parasitic manipulator, and dove headfirst into a bag or dark chocolate covered almond and from there forgot about the cleanse, my health and my sugar-free sanity.

It is day 7 and I am preparing a savory redeeming bowl of chicken broth. In it I have put grass-fed bison, roasted acorn squash, zucchini noodles, fresh cilantro and avocIMG_468711657ado.  While I may not have thrown in the towel yesterday, I did gently set it down to be ‘forgotten’ briefly and then conveniently picked it right back after dancing madly in an altered sugary state of madness.  They say that to err is human. If I can benefit in any way from this blunder it is to forgive myself and continue these next few days with gentle compassion.  So I raise this nourishing bowl of soup to my lips with love and sip graciously for the start of a new sugar free day. Salut!

Ten Day Soup Salute

Today is the first day of my Nourishing Cleanse journey. This is not your average cleanse that simply administers a protocol of starving yourself through severe food restrictions and rules that basically leave you dizzy and ‘hangry’, making you a menace to society.  What I admire about this ten day journey to wellness is that it adds a plethora of food rich in nutrients and healing broths and soups that are meant to reinforce the body’s ability to heal and recover from the many contaminants we ingest and absorb through either our food or the air we breath.  Life today is dizzying blur of chaos and stress and we are bombarded by toxins, anxieties and poisonous pressures administered by the hand of expectations we put upon our society.

So how has day one gone? So far it has been as comforting and savory as the soups and broths I have slowly drunk today.  I added a range of vegetables to each of these warm delicious pools and sipped with absolute pleasure and the intention of healing.  For part of this cleanse is also about the healing of the spirit, to set a goal of meaning throughout these days put aside specifically for peace and tranquility.  One of my intentions is to be mindful and to take pause in the moment in order to truly be present in anything I do.  This may seem like a simple task however, it has already proven to be an eye opening experience. I often catch myself detached from the ‘now’ distracted by my phone like the many around me, all of us with our heads bent in technological submission bowing to the information gods in our palms.

Here we go. Ten days of healing. Ten days of real food. Ten days of baptizing my body with the nourishing properties of broths, soups, and positive declarations.