Dazzles and Roars

“From here we leave the path,” said our guide.  We had embarked on a 28 kilometer hike towards Waterfall Bluff located just south of the Mkambahti Nature Reserve, and had been walking for over four hours across the many changing faces of the Wild Coast terrain, climbing steep rocky hills, treading across shifting sands and beaches, and walking through oceans of grass fields freckled with yellow flowers.

The ‘path’ that our guide mentioned was not much of a path to begin with. It was simply a cluster of narrow, winding, dirt footways carved by years of treading shepherds and their cows.  Yet we carried on, silently falling in line behind one another in silence towards the Falls. As we grew closer to our goal, our guide led us to Cathedral Rock, a breathtaking geological formation rising from the ocean in stony defiance. It had been molded by wind and water into a pyramid shaped sculpture created by nature herself. And so with renewed anticipation, we carried on, our bodies heavy with exhaustion.

Following another hour of hiking and climbing, we had finally made it. The wind was becoming stronger and coming up fast and hard.  All I could hear was the whaling gusts blasting past my ears, drowning out my racing heartbeat as we crawled down the sheer side of the rocky cliff, and I was sure that I was going to be blown off trying to get to Waterfall Bluff.  Don’t look down, was all I could think.

Once we scaled down > the side of the jagged cliff (I pretty much clung on for dear life!), and ducked down past the final rocky hurdle, you can hear it; the crashing symphony of waves and the rising crescendo of water and rock! Then you turn the corner of the protruding ragged rock face jutting out and there it is, awaiting you, Waterfall Bluff.

On this particularly cloudy and windy day, the waterfall, trapped in a torrent of updrafts and gusts, struggled to find home as it cast itself down into the Indian Ocean (it is only one of eight waterfalls in the world to meet an ocean or sea).  Our long trek was definitely worth seeing this incredible display of nature, and we sat in entranced silence, drinking the scene of majesty with thirsty eyes and hearts until we were ready to march on back towards our lodge for another 14 kilometres.

Located at the mouth of the Mboyti River on the Eastern Coast of South Africa, sits a charming resort, Mboyti River Lodge. Surrounding it is the sea and a lagoon where you can kayak in the mirror-like waters of the estuary (where the lake meets the ocean) that hugs the property. The beaches are nestled between rolling green hills, and on some days, cow herders come down with their slow moving beasts of burden to walk across the shores as the blue waters lap away their hoof prints.

When visiting South Africa, one must of course undertake a great adventure and book a safari tour! We chose Springbok Lodge located on Nambiti Game Reserve in Ladysmith. Every morning, we awoke at 4.30 AM with the wild African sun newly spilling out in golds and roses  across the jet black night sky.  Eyes heavy with sleep, we would climb into the open game viewing Land Cruiser and tour the acres of forest and open plaines, holding within their grassy folds vast treasures of wild African animals; dazzles of zebras, prides of lions and countless herds of elephants.  The first ride out was probably the most terrifying and exciting, for you do not know what to expect! The safari vehicle had no windows or protection whatsoever, and we were basically exposed to the animals should they have chosen to attack!

Four days spent on safari had to be one of the most eye opening, and impactful experiences of my life. As we drove down winding dirt roads, thrown around inside our car, we would come across incredible scenes of wildlife.  Once we stopped to take photographs of a huge bull elephant, when suddenly the African sky opened up and it began to rain heavily down upon us. Whips and flashes of lightning began to descend, and was joined by its booming brother.  Our guide and driver, Promise, told us to hold on as we sped towards the safety of the Springbok Lodge as the waters began to rise and the lightning grew nearer.  All around us animals stood still in the rain like living statues, watching the strange metallic creature slide through mud and rubble.

Our last morning was possibly the most eventful part of our safari visit.  Coffee in hand at 5 am, we went out for the final time to look for herds and prides of whatever animal chose to reveal itself to us.  Ten minutes into our excursion, a large male lion was spotted near our location in the park.  Promise hurriedly drove towards the apparent spotting of the lion and  once we arrived, he turned off the engine and told us to keep quiet and stay alert for the big cat. Suddenly, from the covering of tall grasses and shrubs, he emerged. Formidable, fierce and on the prowl for breakfast.

The largest animal I had ever seen up close was walking straight towards us, and all I could think was that he is about to jump in and rip us to shreds. The king of the jungle was so close that I could see every color of his stunning mane of dancing browns and golds, glinting to the dazzling sunshine.

Left in the wake of shock and awe, we continued on for our final drive.  Soon enough, we stumbled upon another incredible scene, two male giraffes ‘necking’ for mating rites.  At first the two males were simply circling each other silently, when suddenly one of them violently threw his head towards his opponent’s long exposed neck and delivered the first brutal blow. This dangerous display continued for ten minutes and the older male began to falter, due to the ongoing ruthless hits by the younger male.  As the older and darker fighter (as giraffes age their coloring gets darker) began to realize that he was going to lose this fight, he attempted to run away, only to be chased by the stronger, younger male.

It was here that I fell in love with South Africa. I fell for the sky during our safari drives when we ventured out for early morning and evening rides. Each time we drove out to the reserve, there it was waiting for us in a brilliant parade of clouds, awash in gold and rose. I fell in love with walking barefoot on the cool grass outside our lodge, dewy and cool against my feet. I fell for the smiles of the people, always welcoming and open-hearted to any new adventurer.

But what really stole my heart was being around nature and watching wild animals roam the South African planes. In a way it saddened me that a number of the animals we saw were greatly endangered, and were under constant threat from poachers.

Our travels through South Africa restored my love and respect for Mother Nature.  While most of us are forever imprisoned within urban jungles of concrete and steel, we often forget the importance of escaping these trappings.  Being back home makes me realize how much I miss walking out into the cool morning air as we set out for safari, and how alive our earth is with music, music composed by birds and animals, by the wind and waves. We are deaf to these songs, and it is time to listen.

Advertisements

Food for thought

Did you know that you have a second brain? It weighs about the same as the one that sits in your skull (0.9 kilos) and shares many other similarities with the first brain.  For instance, serotonin, which is a vital chemical neurotransmitter thought to be responsible for maintaining our mood, behavior, appetite, digestion, sleep, memory, sexual drive and many other vital functions, can be found in both brains. The only difference is that 80-90% of serotonin levels found in the human body is located in the second brain. What is even more remarkable is that the second brain is actually your stomach.

The stomach, so aptly named the ‘second-brain’, is usually associated with the generic responsibilities of digestion, absorption and expelling waste.  But it may come as a shock to some that deep down in our GI tract is an intricate network of neurons that line our gut forming a mass of neural tissue similar to that in our brain.  Scientists believe that our ‘second brain’, which is filled with an arsenal of neurotransmitters, can partly determine those physiological symptoms caused by nerve-wracking moments.

The enteric system, or the ‘second brain’ is made up of neurons that are found in the walls of the alimentary canal, which is the long tube located in our gut measuring 9 meters long from esophagus to anus.  There are approximately 100 million neurons in the enteric system, outnumbering the neurons found in the spinal cord and the peripheral nervous system.

While our second brain is not adept at contemplating thought provoking poetry or analyzing politics, it is still undoubtedly a complex system within itself.  The magnitude of neurons mentioned above found in the ‘second brain’ has equipped the gut with its own reflexes and senses, thereby independently controlling the gut from the brain.

As mentioned earlier, our second brain is not responsible for processing philosophy or scrutinizing art work, it does however send signals to our mind regarding such things as emotions and traumas through nerves in our intestines.  An example of this would be the sensation of butterflies dancing around in your stomach when you see someone you admire for instance.  The butterflies you are feeling are part of a signal system that manifests in your gut as part of a physiological response to stress.

After examining the commonalities between our two brains, it is easy to see why and how our mental health directly affects our gut.  Ever wonder why you are warned about possible side effects of depression treatments and drugs you may encounter like nausea and diarrhea?  The enteric nervous system, similar to your brain, uses roughly 30 neurotransmitters, and as mentioned earlier, 80-90% of serotonin in found in our gut.

Certain antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are known to increase serotonin levels in the body.  This directly causes undesirable side effects in your stomach, thereby causing ‘mental illness’ in the second brain.

Intestinal terra incognita 

Deep within the dark chasms of our intestines lies a collective community of trillions of bacteria, which is also known as a gut microbiome.  While the idea of having an infestation of bacterial colonies in your GI system may make your skin crawl, these intestinal inhabitants play a number of essential roles in the internal interworking of our health, and in our lives.

They are responsible for a number of functions such as digestion, the management our immune systems and our weight.   Astonishingly, scientists are also discovering that these microbes are heavily involved in transmitting signals to the brain, altering our behavior and emotional state, and if off balance due to issues such as over use of antibiotics or irregularities in your intestinal environment, can lead to more unwanted symptoms such as depression and anxiety.

Surprising parallels are being drawn between the bacteria endemic to our gut and the impact this symbiotic relationship has on our stress management and immune system response.   Each and every one of us is affected by stress in some shape or form.  Whether it is the stress from work, family or shattering your smart phone screen, we all suffer from intestine-twisting pressures brought on my life’s little unfriendly experiences.   Further studies are being conducted concerning the potential intestinal bacteria has on bettering our mental health and tackling diseases such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and autism.

As evidence continues to mount, and the gut-brain axis plot thickens, we should begin to question how we can best improve and strengthen the links between the two in order to prevent intestinal and neurological diseases.  For starters, nourishing your gut with beneficial bacteria, also known as probiotics, is absolutely vital towards creating harmony between this two way street of our two brains.  The old saying “you are what you eat” suddenly has a renewed sense of importance as we find out how the food we put in our mouth directly affects, not only our stomach, but our mood and mental health.

As someone who has had her fair share of  intestinal bacterial infections, which often led to doctors prescribing intense rounds of antibiotics (sometimes two at a time), I am far too familiar with the side effects these gut flora altering experiences have on mental health.

Upon starting any course of antibiotics I began to feel the immediate emotional inertia brought on by the medication.  A fog of depression settled upon me, rolling in and clouding my judgement, and along with this hazy stupor came a sense of listlessness and hopelessness.  The most isolating part of these experiences was that I could not reason nor rationalize as to why I felt so crestfallen. This in turn, isolated me from those around me.

Probiotics, I soon came to find,  were (and still are) vital during any disruptive time following antibiotics since they do not only destroy bad bacteria, but also eradicate the helpful flora imperative to our quality of life.  Once I started healing my gut with probiotics and other helpful ‘guthacks’, I began to feel the waves of malaise and depression recede from my cognitive shores.

So are probiotics the new Prozac in a sense?  Feeding and strengthening your intestinal flora may be the new way we can tackle, not only physical ailment, but mental illnesses such as depression.  One study published by the Journal of Neurogastroenterology and Motility stated that the probiotic Bifidobacterium longum NCC3001 stabilized anxiety-like behavior in mice that had colitis and did so by moderating the vagal pathways with the gut-brain axis.  One other study showed that the probiotic Lactobacillus rhamnosus had profound effects on certain parts of the brain including the GABA levels, the inhibitory neurotransmitter that greatly involved in regulating a number of physiological and psychological processes. The probiotic also lowered levels of the stress-induced hormone known as corticosterone, which in turn reduced anxiety and depression in patients undergoing the trials.

A series of experiments conducted on ‘germ-free’ mice that had no microbiome in their intestines, were unable to recognize and intermingle other mice that were around them.  These studies were used to demonstrate how valuable microbes in our gut, and in the guts of these mice, may help communicate with the brain and helps us be social and interact with those around us.

Additionally, the mice that lacked good bacteria in their guts were more prone to engage in high risk behavior and as scientists tracked these altered states of gut related actions, they also found that they were accompanied by neurochemical changes in the animal’s brain.

If the ‘germ-free’ mice were exposed to regular mice with microorganisms early on in life, their anti-social behavioral patterns were reversed.   Moreover, the scientists found that if the intestines of the germ free mice were colonized and ‘seeded’ with bacteria from a healthy mouse, the animal took on personality traits from the donor.

However, once the mice reached adulthood and were isolated from beneficial germs during the formative stages in their lives, these behavioral tendencies were permanently irreversible even after scientists attempted to colonize the ‘germ free’ mice with microbes.

Along with the bacteria’s significant role in aiding our social skills with those around us, studies have also revealed that the absence or presence of intestinal microbes during infancy, can permanently alter gene expression.

Genetic profiling has enabled scientists to observe how the absence of microorganisms affects genes and pathways that are closely linked to cognitive functions such as memory, motor control and learning, further strengthening the hypothesis that the presence of beneficial bacteria found in your intestines is vital towards social development and behavior.  Along with neurological illnesses, those lacking beneficial gut bacteria can also present issues such as asthma, allergies, skin irritations and problems, autoimmune disorders.

While a majority of the research concerning the gut-brain axis is being done on mice primarily due to the fact that we do not have ‘germ free’ human beings willing to be tested on, there have been some successful human trials proving the positive side effects of ‘feeding’ the flora found in your intestines.

One study focused on a group of women who regularly consumed yogurt that contained beneficial bacteria and had improved cognitive function compared to women who did not consume the cultured yogurt.   The study further revealed that the women who did not eat the yogurt had decreased activity in two regions of the brain that are responsible for central processing of emotion and sensation: the insular cortex, the part of the brain that is linked to perception, awareness, interpersonal processing and experience and motor control to name just a few.  The second region that was affected is called the somatosensory cortex, which is the area responsible for the body’s ability to interoperate a spectrum of sensations.

The idea of harnessing bacteria and conducting microorganism transplants in order to ease the suffering of those struggling with mental malaise may seem farfetched, but everyday intestinal pioneers are discovering the undeniable benefits of beneficial flora and the positive impacts these microbes have on the delicate balance between the gut-brain axis.

Feed and seed your gut

Dietary feeding and ‘reseeding’ are paramount in the battle against good and bad bacteria. And on a personal note, after having endured ongoing treatments for Helicobacter pylori, or most commonly known as H.pylori, a not so friendly strain of bacteria that inhabits the digestive tract of its host and attacks the stomach lining, I can tell you that feeding and fortifying my stomach against an alien invader has proven to be a life altering experience, and a muse to my health.

This specific strain of bacteria resides in over 75% of the world’s population, affecting 3 out of 4 people, so chances are some of you reading this have it.  While not everyone who has the bacteria presents with signs of being infected, those of that are symptomatic may experience and present with a number of diseases ranging from peptic ulcers to an inflammatory condition in the stomach called gastritis, to more serious life-threatening conditions like stomach cancer.

H.pylori is highly adapted to living in the harsh acidic environment of our gut, and it is here where this rogue bacteria can wreak havoc on our GI system.  It can reduce the acidity in your stomach in order to create a better living space for itself, thereby affecting the pH balance of your stomach.

The word Helicobacter comes from the Greek word ‘Helico’ meaning spiral, and it is this spiral shape of that bacteria that gives it the ability to drill beyond the gut’s protective lining where the bacteria are safely protected by mucus, and by our body’s immune cell.  The H.pylori can then interfere with the body’s immune response in order to ensure that it is not destroyed and further proliferate and thrive within us.  Following three courses of specifically engineered antibiotic prescriptions called Triple or Quadruple Therapy, probiotics and the right food, I have won the battle against my spiral shaped foe.

Considering that up to 80% of your immune system is located in your intestines, strengthening it should be one of the pillars for optimum health and happiness.  One way is by consuming probiotics that can be taken orally.  Probiotics are supplements made of living bacteria and yeast, and as stated early, they are one of the cardinal tools for improving your digestive and mental health.

Probiotics can also be found in certain types of foods such as fermented foods (unpasteurized traditionally prepared are the most effective).  A number of these foods include:  Kefir (fermented grass fed organic milk), lassi (an Indian yogurt), pickled or fermented cabbage and vegetables and my favorite, kombucha (fermented tea).  There are many delicious ways to culture and reestablish beneficial microbes in your gut, by simply exploring the menu, you can find your most palatable route of dietary adventure.

One of the more powerful and healing tools to have in your gut army is bone broth.  “Good broth will resurrect the dead,” so goes a South American proverb.   This is something I have come to swear by and have watched my body flourish in the reflective golden brown savory pools of soup that I gladly sip on every day.   Broth has remained a cure-all for centuries and has been used for a number of natural remedies from reducing inflammation, improving hair and skin, boosting the detoxification process in the body, combating respiratory illness and improving joint health.

Known as nature’s multivitamin, broth is packed with a number of nutrients ranging from nineteen essential and non-essential amino acids (the building blocks of proteins), collagen, gelatin, mineral and electrolytes and many other nourishing compounds.

One other benefit of bone broth is that it is highly valuable towards strengthening and improving your gut health.   The gelatin and collagen found in broth works together as a healing elixir towards improving and reinforcing lining of your gut, which in today’s malnourished and stressful lifestyle has taken the blow.

Broth not only strengthens the lining of your gut, but helps battle food intolerances, allowing for the gut to heal from damages caused by daily stressors, processed foods, medication, unwelcomed bacterial or viral guests and other unhealthy lifestyle choices.  Because bone broth is so easily absorbed and digested by the body, it is able to completely utilize all of the nutrients, thereby allowing for complete absorption.

During the nineteenth and twentieth century, scientists believed that our guts were responsible for determining our overall mental and physical state.  They extrapolated that the toxic accumulating of waste found in our colons were primarily responsible for triggering illnesses linked to a term they phrased as “auto-intoxication”.  These early intestinal explores rationalized that gut released harmful poisons into the body, thereby creating and leading to severe imbalances and diseases.  This condition was then treated by either administering unpleasant colonic purges or bowel surgeries.   Fortunately for us however, these practices were proven to be nothing but pseudoscience.

But were these nineteenth century scientists and scholars onto something?  Studies have continued to emerge, mapping the unchartered fascinating waters of the gut-brain axis, and have gone so far as to say that improving our intestinal health could mean preventing mentally debilitating disorders and illnesses and improve the lives of millions up people.  But until that day comes, I will leave you with this last deliciously simple morsel.  Go with your gut.

 

Other

Please check the box of which applies,

the one that captures you, or at least tries

Please pick your sex, race and role,

Or at least something close, and continue to scroll.

Which one applies closest to you?

White, black or brown, to name just a few.

Neither you say? Well then just relent.

For you do not fit our generic convent.

So why bother at all, an ‘other’ you’ll be.

You cannot be an I, you must fit the ‘we’.

Other they call me,

Another it is!

I wear my crown of ‘other’ like it’s my sole biz.

One of honor, of character and of right.

I reign over the land of misfits with entitled delight.

Our clan is of rebels, jests and of laughs.

Where we dabble in ‘other’ sorts of trickery and crafts.

King of others is who I am

Box-less.

Nameless.

Loud.

Shameless.

Mixed blood of two worlds,

Of East and of West.

Born to stand out, among the routine rest.

So please pick your liking in the boxes below,

Are you of character, or lacking of soul?

For neither you nor I are a box you see,

We are the ‘other’

The unorthodox,

The free.

Bottoms up

It had a metallic sweetness to it that made my stomach churn with nausea, and as I sipped on the noxious cocktail all I could think was, I still have 16 ounces of this stuff to finis!  It is day three of my pre colonoscopy and endoscopy prep and so far, this is the most unpleasant part of it.  Tomorrow is the day I will have a small tube-like mechanism with a camera on the end of it poke around to take an in-depth look through my body in order to discover just what the hell is going on with my digestive system.

Two days ago I started my ‘low fiber’ diet, which is primarily food with zero nutritional value and loads of sugar. Hey any excuse for sugar is the diet for me! But seriously, it wasn’t all bad and list included some of my favorite things like pretzels, saltines, pancakes and and peanut butter. The only real food I have eaten these past fews days are melon, ripened bananas, which I discover I love putting on saltines (weird I know), and eggs that came from happy cage-free country chickens I promise. Saturday I stuck to my diet like a good little patient and had pancakes with peanut butter, how dedicated am I?  It is these delectable memories that I carry with me through this final leg of the purging race.A race, that is exactly what it feels like right now, running back and forth from my bed to the bathroom and keeping myself entertained in between each dash with Netflix.

Before having to forcefully drink the clear 16 oz. liquid prescription that basically incinerates your insides and simulates a watered-down version of ebola (too soon?), I was ‘hangry’ and strung out on sorbet all day.   You see, on the third day of prep you begin your ‘clear liquid diet’ and sorbet was the closest thing to solid food permitted on this fabulous liquified menu. After the impending clock stuck five today, I had to take my first of two doses of a bowel prep kit and after finishing one this evening I am not sure if I am going to have the courage to polish off another one tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM.

Oddly enough what really scares me about this procedure isn’t the constant race back and forth or the putrid brew, but it is the idea of the anesthesia. I have yet to be put under since I have fortunately never had to have surgery, and for some odd reason, I do not like the idea of not being in control of my consciousness.  I am the commander of this crazy ship and having a stranger being the master of my awareness is just something I cannot get comfortable with.  Many have tried to soothe my apprehension and have told me this is the most painless part, it is just like falling asleep.  This should be easy shouldn’t it? Then why am I nervous? Most people would complain that the bowel prep is the hardest part, however for me the test will come tomorrow as I give the helm of dreams away to another and pray they sail my ship through calm waters.

A spoonful of acceptance

Acceptance is a powerful tool, one which I have been playing with all week.  Its a malleable things that can fit and be molded to any problem or hardship plaguing your daily life.  This may seem like a watered down cliche but I promise you, it is the greatest medicine there is.  Accepting what is first came along while I was exploring the soothing world of HeadSpace, one of the greatest apps in my opinion. It is meditation for the modern man.  At first I did not understand what the calming voice of Andy Puddicombe, who for ten minutes, talks you down from the ledge of life’s angsts with useful tips of accepting all of the ghosts of adulthood we are haunted by in order to allay and comfromt the difficulties we feel.

In several of the videos that accompany the ten minute sessions, the modern meditator is told to accept and acknowledge the referred pain of what the body is feeling thanks to the crippling thoughts of the mind. We are all guilty of ignoring even the tiniest complaints of the body due to our busy lives and tendency to discount our well-being.  Accept that feeling of anxiety the body is feeling.  Accept that overwhelming sadness that has been dwelling in your heart. Unfortunately we have found many ways to avoid acceptance through several avenues and facets such as social media, alcohol and my all time favorite, food.

As stated in earlier accounts I have written, when it comes to hiding and finding a safe comfortable space where I pretend like nothing can touch me, food is the warm cushiony place I flee to. It welcomes me with open arms and I graciously accept its momentary medicine and deposit of dopamine I so desperately need when I am either stressed, saddened or angry. But of course that will eventually wear off and I am left feeling even worse and bloated.

The other day I had an enlightening discussion with my sister who I have come to revere and deeply respect.  No matter what the circumstance, she is always there to offer a guiding hand and in my darkest hour she has been my guiding light home.  I told her of my chocolate shame last Saturday and how happy it made me feel.  She then stated that whenever she has spoken with a woman of her most enjoyable time it usually includes sweatpants, a couch and jar of peanut-butter.  Personally, that is when I am most at peace, in that small pocket of time when nothing matters and my tastebuds are bathing themselves in waves and waves of chocolate peanut-butter swirls. I have never experienced this nourishing nirvana during a salad.

My sister raised an interesting point, if we constantly deprive ourselves from that time of peanut-butter paradise, or berate ourselves for succumbing to our cravings will our body even absorb the nutrients of that salad? Or will we reject its nourishment and mindfully prevent it from being ingested when faced by a wall of self-hate and negativity. 66841dde6f83c62d85de1b299b4_-post So why not accept the momentous times spent on the couch with your best friend as you both gorge yourself on whatever meal you both usually consider to be taboo. By excepting this form of nourishment, the nourishment of happiness and communion, we can then accept other wholesome things into our body and soul.

Accept what you are feeling, do not hide from it.  We continuously play this toxic game of hide and seek with ourselves and our emotions hoping never to be found. Eventually however, that anguish stops counting to one-hundred and comes looking for us. Rest assured, it always finds you.

Welcome to day 7

As I rolled over in bed this morning, slowly waking up to the harsh reality of the day streaming into my room along with the sunshine, my stomach began to ache with guilt and gluten. Today is day 7 of my Nourishing Cleanse and I feel hung over. But this hangover is not from the remnants of a glass of wine or a stiff drink, its from the bag of dark chocolate covered almonds,coconut ice cream and gluten free pretzels.

Yesterday was day 6 and I knew it was going to be my most challenging. Why you may ask? Well because it fell upon a Saturday, a day when I usually allow myself to enjoy the simple pleasures and flavors of life and avoid any sort of adult responsibilities,such as GRE homework or emails. It is the day when I can completely run away from my problems.

Day 6 started out strong.  I woke up, did some body tapping and walked into the kitchen to prepare my bone broth and veggies.  As I heated my soup, arms crossed in frustration, all I could imagine was sugar. Sugar, my one weakness, sugar my one true hate and lovIMG_468723308e.  Sugar, the sweet rug woven of chocolatey threads and peanut butter patterns where I sweep all of my troubles and torments underneath.  I tried to remind myself that sugar and snacking was where I hid from my problems and pressures like a kid underneath a blanket, and that is what I was trying to break free from.  However with this ten day cleanse I have been left like an exposed nerve, raw and naked to my demons with nowhere to hide. And like any terrified cornered animal, I lashed out in fear.

Yesterday was a day that beckoned for a couch, Netflix, snacks and my best friend who shares my affinity and appetite for sugar. No, I thought to myself, I must push these delicious and comforting images out of my mind and persevere.  It was a cold and dreary day outside and winter had officially announced itself.  The Austin sky was blanketed in a parade of gray clouds that resembled shades of silver cotton candy (mmm sugar) and upon this scrumptious canvas, I saw the sprinkling of temptation on the horizon.

As the day passed, my strength and will-power waned as it washed away by the cold rain.  To escape the chilling weather, my friend and I went into a little cafe on South Congress and ordered a hot chocolate and12122899_10103496508131630_6007383513195763696_n copy a decaf Americano. Yes, decaf, I had been barred from caffeine as part of my healing and while I wasn’t sure if decaf coffee was even permitted on this cleanse, I did not even care at this point.  Sitting with our hot drinks on the porch swing of the little charming cafe, steam swirling in the grey light of day, I had had enough!  I wanted sugar goddammit! I was like one of those ants infected by parasitic fungus that takes complete control over its host and completely manipulates its behavior. I gladly succumbed to my sweet parasitic manipulator, and dove headfirst into a bag or dark chocolate covered almond and from there forgot about the cleanse, my health and my sugar-free sanity.

It is day 7 and I am preparing a savory redeeming bowl of chicken broth. In it I have put grass-fed bison, roasted acorn squash, zucchini noodles, fresh cilantro and avocIMG_468711657ado.  While I may not have thrown in the towel yesterday, I did gently set it down to be ‘forgotten’ briefly and then conveniently picked it right back after dancing madly in an altered sugary state of madness.  They say that to err is human. If I can benefit in any way from this blunder it is to forgive myself and continue these next few days with gentle compassion.  So I raise this nourishing bowl of soup to my lips with love and sip graciously for the start of a new sugar free day. Salut!